


It's Not Wrong

by innogueira



Series: Wherever I go, I’m coming back [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant, Bearded Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky dies at the end, Compliant-ish, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Implied Relationships, Last Kiss, M/M, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), armless Bucky, bucky just wants a peaceful life, he doesn't get what he wants, with steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 01:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14660553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innogueira/pseuds/innogueira
Summary: “When will you stop fighting colourful bad guys?”“When they stop threatening everything I love,”They kiss three times. Steve leaves after the first. Bucky's gone after the last.





	It's Not Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back with another sad Stucky story? I wish I could stop, but they are so tragically beautiful I can't help myself. Enjoy!

They kiss three times.

Those happen within a week. 

Steve leaves the day after the first one.

It wasn’t like Bucky didn’t want it to happen before. Well, even James wanted it. Before he fell. Never had the guts, though, and in a way it wasn’t needed. Bucky remembers being content back then. Who needs such a physical display of affection when they have everything else?

They’re eating by the lake, the silence between them comfortable. They were in their own little world in the middle of Wakanda, and it almost felt like they’re the only ones in the world. For Bucky they were. 

James Barnes loved Steven Rogers from the first time they met and it was enough. Bucky loves Steve and it’s enough.

It was child’s love at first. The kind of love all kids talk about. How they’ll be playing forever, until they’re old, white, and wrinkly. How Bucky was gonna be there for Steve when he’s bigger but still needs someone to help him take his temperature or get his medicine. The scrawny blonde was his best friend and James wanted nothing more than hang out with him as much as he was allowed to get away with. His mother used to scold him for getting home late for dinner and getting into too much trouble, but he knew she loved Steve. She was happy James had a friend after struggling so much to adapt to Brooklyn.

If James had any say in it, nothing would change. It didn’t. 

They did grow older together, becoming inseparable as they reached adolescence.. You wouldn’t see one without the other in close range. It was just the way it was. Steve and Bucky. Rogers and Barnes.

The bond tightened even more when Steve’s mother died. 

As much as Steve refused to become a burden in Bucky’s life, Bucky wouldn’t have any of it. Steve was never a burden and this wouldn’t change that. What if he spent a few days over at Bucky’s folks? They’ve had so many sleepovers at Steve’s (you never knew when Steve’s asthma would show up, so spending the night away wasn’t the best idea) that it was only fair Bucky finally had him over. What if they were 18 and too old for sleepovers? Bucky wasn’t going to let Steve sleep alone in an apartment that had been filled with Sarah Roger’s brightness just a few days ago.

He slept over and Bucky found them a little apartment down the street a few weeks later.

While odd, it all felt natural. Little James Barnes used to say he would have Steve’s back forever, this was just him fulfilling his childhood promise. He had a job at the docks that was enough for rent and bare necessities, Steve’s job at the groceries allowed them little luxuries, like fish and good fruit. They couldn’t afford an apartment with better heating, but Bucky got him blankets, and when it wasn’t enough to stop Steve from shivering, he’d crawl under the covers and let his body heat warm Steve up. 

Bucky would always have Steve’s back.

Then Bucky was drafted. Trained, captured, tortured. He went through hell and back and the only thing he was worried about was who was taking care of Steve back home? What if he got pneumonia again? What if he fought someone whose swing would just knock the life out of him?

There had been girls. Less than Steve and the rest of the neighbourhood thought. None of them ever gave Bucky the feeling that he needed to protect them. Steve needed him, those girls didn’t. 

It had always been like that, and it was love for Bucky. It scared him, when he realised how much he loved Steve, but it didn’t change anything. It was always the way it had been, only Bucky understood it better.

He knew Steve loved him when he marched into enemy territory to save him, when everything pointed to Bucky’s death. Steve came back for him and there’s no bigger love declaration.

But the thing was, they didn’t need to kiss. Not then, not now. They knew how much they meant to each other and nothing could change that. Steve would let himself be punched to death by Bucky because he refused to fight back, to hurt him. Bucky got through years and years of torture and conditioning because of Steve. No kiss could ever come close to that.

They didn’t need it.

They didn’t need it and Bucky couldn’t handle it. It was like asking Steve to stay. He never would, and Bucky didn’t want the rejection that came with admitting he didn’t want Steve to leave. They loved each other and it wasn’t enough to keep him from going. How could Bucky let himself be kissed and allow Steve to just go? 

So Bucky never kissed Steve. It wasn’t needed. It was purely a physical proof of how deep their love really runs, but he didn’t need it. Steve let him make his own choices, had his back even if he wasn’t happy with Bucky’s decisions. He was there when Bucky woke up from cryo. That’s love.

Steve always was always the impulsive one of the pair. 

Their first kiss came out of nowhere.

They had been talking about something, though Bucky doesn’t exactly remember what now. Goats? Joking about how Steve probably had the biggest crush on the General from the Dora Milaje because of how much she reminded them of a young Peggy Carter? Or maybe about Sam? They were talking about something, and Bucky was smiling as he was finishing the little supper he had prepared for them. 

He only remembers how warm the last few rays of sun felt against is skin, how full he felt, both his stomach and his heart, and how Steve shifting closer didn’t feel out of place.

He remembers how soft Steve’s lips felt pressed against his, how his beard scratched his chin, how Steve blushed like a goddamn teenage school girl as he sat back, picking up his bowl and continuing eating his soup with a little smile, like he didn’t just turn Bucky’s entire world upside down.

They never kissed. It wasn’t needed.

Steve kissed him and Bucky didn’t move.

He was so taken back that Bucky was sure he was hallucinating. Had to be a side effect from being frozen like a piece of meat over and over, right? ...Right?

Only Bucky has been out of the ice for months, and he knows how flashbacks look like. This was as real as it could get and Bucky couldn’t move. He was staring at Steve, lips slightly parted, in confusion, in awe, in all the feelings Bucky always had inside him but never knew how to express. How James never did, either.

It felt like forever, but it was surely just a few moments, Bucky slowly licked his lips, tasting Steve in them before actually reacting to it, “Why did you do that?”

It wasn’t aggressive or hostile, but neither was it sad or defeated. It just was. It was the only thing Bucky could articulate while his entire self was running wild. He pushed down the need of reciprocating, of properly kissing him, his nails digging in his palms. He couldn’t. He couldn’t kiss him, he couldn’t ask him to stay.

He knew why. Steve wore his heart of his sleeve, and while Bucky had a hard time accepting the way Steve looked at him before the War, it was impossible to ignore it now. How his eyes shined when he looked at Bucky, the way his hand lingered on his arm when they hugged, how he buried his face against his shoulder when they shared the bed. Bucky wasn’t stupid. The parts of the Asset that lingered didn’t let him ignore obvious signs.

There was a reason they didn’t kiss.

“Felt right,” Steve said in the most natural way possible, a small smile still playing on his lips as he shrugged.

Bucky nodded and his shoulders slumped. Of course it felt right. Nothing really felt wrong with Steve. Maybe weird at first, unfamiliar, but never wrong. It was something Bucky thought about, mostly in the dark, when Steve was gone or deeply asleep next to him. He just never thought it would happen. Because Steve was so careful with him, with his mind, because Bucky hoped he would be careful with his heart, too.

When Bucky’s eyes finally focus on the man in front of him, Steve looks like he realised he did something he shouldn’t, something he didn’t have the permission to, and Bucky almost feels bad for reacting the way he did “Is it- Can I- Did I do something wrong?” he stutters through the words as he places the bowl down and reaches for Bucky. His hand is warm against Bucky’s, but not as much as his lips.

“No…” Bucky gives him a tight lipped smile. It’s not a lie, and it seems to please Steve, who visibly relaxes. It’s not wrong because they’re not wrong. Their experiences and feelings are valid, Bucky has learned, but it leaves a hole in his chest. One that he never wanted to have. He has Steve, but he’s going to lose him. That’s how it always goes. 

“Unless you meant that nose, it’s crocked, you didn’t heal it right,” he can do jokes. He’s good at pretending things are okay when his entire world is crumbling. He takes Steve’s hand because that’s okay, makes him laugh, lays next to him in bed, all while he tries to keep himself together. Bucky is lucky, he knows it, but he’s different now and he wants to protect himself as well. Steve deserves the world and he can’t give him that. So he doesn’t give him all of Bucky.

Steve leaves the next morning. Emergency message, he needs to fly down to South Africa, probably will be back in a couple of days. Bucky has barely sat up on the bed before there’s a kiss being pressed against his cheek and Steve’s pulling back the sheet covering the entrance, leaving with a little sad smile and a wave.

Bucky blames only himself for expecting Steve to stay.

Steve always comes back, though. That time he brings a split lip.

He leaves for Scotland a couple of days later. This time he brings a war.

There’s aliens, powerful stones, a crazy maniac with ideals that remind him too much of a war he’s fought before. He’s being presented an arm he never wanted, and while Shuri is kind and gentle when she’s hooking it up, it still feels foreign. Hydra’s arm hurt him in his core, Shuri’s nothing but a faint pressure on his spine. He appreciates how the princess listened to all his complaints about the last arm and improved this one just for him. He still feels like a weapon.

He’s being led back to the Palace, there’s a gun on his hand and T’Challa’s hand on his shoulder as they watch the Quinjet landing on the pad. Waking up in his bed felt like a life time ago.

Steve’s back with a warm smile and a tight embrace, but it doesn’t feel like all the other times. It’s strained and only then Bucky realises how serious this all is. He remembers being briefed about New York but the Asset didn’t have to worry about aliens. Bucky has, and the fear of being drafted isn’t a distant memory anymore. Bucky feels it in the pit of his stomach, the feelings of uncertainty, of not coming out of it alive. Of not being able to protect Steve.

There’s a glance between them before Steve is ushered away to Shuri’s lab and Bucky’s left outside with Sam. It’s nothing like the other times Steve comes back. So Bucky promises to never complain he has to watch Steve come and go every other day if Steve just crawls in bed with him and helps him on the fields when he is done resting. Because that’s all he could ask for, but this.. This is everything Bucky didn’t want them to be.

He just wants to be Bucky. He wants to live peacefully outside the city, to sneak in Shuri’s lab when he can’t stop himself from wanting to check out what the princess has come up with this time. He wants Steve by his side, just like little James Barnes expected his life to be. 

There’s spaceships outside the force field and Bucky runs inside. He’s here because of Steve, so he’s going to wait for him to say what Bucky needs to do. He never fought for a country, nor an entire planet. He always fought for Steve, and while the other now went off in dangerous missions Bucky couldn’t protect him in, it wasn’t like this. This threatened Steve directly and Bucky was gonna do his damn hardest to protect him. Which meant he needed to know the plan.

Everyone’s heading towards him when he gets inside, heads held high and confidently heading out. T’challa leads them and tells him it’s time. Bucky stops and lets them all through. As much as he respects the King, he has to hear it from Steve. 

Who’s gripping his flesh arm and pulling him to a adjacent corridor. Whose hands are warm on his neck. Whose lips press firmly against Bucky’s.

It’s the second time they kiss and Bucky doesn’t see it coming.

He didn’t expect kissing to become a common occurrence after the first one. They never mentioned it again. Steve never acted like he was about to take seconds, always carefully placing a kiss on his cheek, nowhere near his mouth. Bucky didn’t allow himself to think about the reasons why. 

It didn’t matter why Steve didn’t kiss him again. What mattered was that the world was ending and Steve needed to kiss him before it happened. There was urgency, but Steve was always tender with him. His lips move slowly but deliberately and Buck kisses back slowly for a moment.

When Steve leans back, Bucky stares at him before his eyes drop to his lips.

The third time they kiss, Bucky’s the one who initiates it.

They meet halfway, already impossibly close from the last one. It’s different from the other two, though. It’s desperate, deep, Bucky’s hands grip Steve’s waist while the other’s bury in his hair. He leans in because he want to. Because he always wanted to, because he’s not sure he’ll ever get to do it. So he does. For himself, for James, for selfish reasons he’s sure will come back to bite him later.

Bucky ends it, too. It feels final and he hates it. 

Bucky’s hands don’t leave Steve’s side when he slowly pushes him back, and he doesn’t step away. He can still feel Steve’s breath on his lips, can almost taste him on his tongue. He sighs and rests their foreheads together. He feels guilty, but at the same time he knows he needed to do this. Even if just once.

There’s a big possibility one of them won’t come out of it just a little banged up and Bucky can’t allow himself to enjoy this. Steve will leave again, and the odds aren’t looking up right now. He doesn’t want Steve to leave because this time he might not come back at all. He can’t live knowing how Steve tastes and not being able to do it again. “When will you stop fighting colourful bad guys?” He’s good at jokes.

The answer is instant, as if he already knew what Bucky would ask, “When they stop threatening everything I love,” Steve’s smiling sadly but his eyes are so intense they burn into Bucky’s. He knows what Steve means. He means Bucky. It makes his heart swell and it would make him cry if they weren’t about to fight alien Nazis. Maybe it’s what makes it all the more romantic.

He hates how final it feels, but there’s a little glimmer of hope there. That if they win Steve will stop. That he’ll finally stay. Bucky would follow Steve to the end of the world regardless, ‘till the end of the line, but that little unspoken promise makes him wish there’s no end to reach. They’ll win and Bucky won’t have to see Steve leave every other day. It makes fighting worth it. 

It makes Bucky grip his gun tighter, strap another stock of ammo on his back, pocket a knife, and it makes him fight harder. He’s got everything to lose, and he refuses to lose Steve. He refuses to lose his future once again.

They finally let go of each other, give the other a little nod before quickly falling in step with everyone else, as if they had never stayed behind. There’s no time for distractions, but Bucky would let Steve distract him again and again if he promised he would stay once more. He’d let Steve kiss him all the times he wanted if he promised this would be the last fight they would fight.

It doesn't even take an hour to show him that he was right, that kissing was always a bad idea. Not because Bucky won’t see Steve come back after another mission. No.. It was a bad idea because Steve’s name is on his lips as he feels like he’s dying once again. 

Because Steve kissed Bucky and he’s helplessly watching him die once again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope I didn't make anyone cry this time! Drop a comment or some love if you're enjoying these little snippets. And you can find me at @neswrites on Tumblr.


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